I havent been a happy bunny lately.
Counting down, its exactly one week to 17 months of being single; and im loving it. Judging by the amount of time spent being single, free from controls and being tied up, i must have been too used to my kind of life, i find it a little too difficult to be attached.
I think i forgot how it is like to be in love, i forgot how love feels and what love can do. There is even a high possibility that i mistook a confidante as a lover, or misused the word 'love' to replace crush; infatuation; like or even interest.
I must have been too dependent on my lost love 17 months ago that i no longer am an independent lady when it comes to being in a relationship though i strongly believe in equality between men and women. But still, I adore perfect surprises on a not-so-perfect day and being pampered, spoilt and treated like a princess.
I like man, and i repeat, man, not boys, who are reserve in a way yet happening and fun in another. Very contradicting i know, just like how i enjoy gourmet food but puke em all out so i wont put on so much weight.
Im a very contradicting person and sometimes my contradiction pissed me off a little way too much. At times, or rather, most of the times, i dont really know what i exactly feel like doing or what i exactly wanna do. I can hardly fathom myself yet i expect people around me to fully comprehend what's on my mind. What arrogance!
Im beginning to doubt myself and my level of maturity when it comes to affairs of the heart. Yes i do envy lovey dovey couples on the streets or people i personally know who have years of relationship with their spouse. My bestie for example, have been with her boyfriend coming 4 years by the end of this year. But when i try to put myself in that same scenerio, i would rather back out and say "im better off alone".
It must have been the way i was being brought up. Since young, i often engage myself in conversations with my mom, aunts and cousins who were more than 10 years older than me. Though i hardly express my views, because im too young to understand, i listen very attentively and their conversation etched a deep memory in my memory lane.
There were quite a number of incidents whereby my cousins had to call of their engagement because their guy cheated them, either their feelings, or their money, or both. What jerkasses! And i remember very clearly, that they often told me to be weary of guys especially when i place my heart in the picture. Sometimes, i do have a prejudice againts men, i think.
Some of my friends said "you'll never know the outcome till you try it out", while some said "to be in a relationship, you gotta be happy, its not totally about him being your dream one", while some with total no help said "follow your heart".
I personally feel that to be in a relationship, love aint enough. It isnt and will never be enough to keep it going and growing. Being in love, doesnt mean you gotta be together. Compatiability counts. Being happy together is all that matters.
Isnt it very hard to be with someone for a lifetime if they're not from the same league? Its just like a studious person wouldnt fall for an ahlian with no interest in studies or a pork seller cant possibly marry a malay. Note: not being racist over here, in case i get sued and sentenced to jail, wth. Correct me if im wrong, but the above two examples makes sense right?
Im too tired to go on, there's a lot to say but i think i shall just keep it to myself. The more i say, the more mistake i make. And no, it isnt something personal, its just something that came to thought suddenly.
I wanna be a happy and carefree bunny once again.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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